Are you stitching kidding me?

Awww, my life it's never a breeze or uncomplicated for some reason :) so let's back track to Wednesday evening, My lovely husband was flushing out our trailers toilet cuz I kept complaining about passing out from the stench... So he would fill it up with the hose and then dump it all, fill it up dump it... And on the third and final fill... The neighbors brought their new hound dogs out so of course we went to see them and play with them and, yep you guessed it Ivan looked back at the trailer and water was coming out of the seams :( so he ran over and turned off the water, but the floor was covered in two inches of toilet/water junk.... So quickly he went to his shop and got the shop vac and cleaned it all up whilst Anton and I went to dinner with some other neighbors. When we came back Ivan was finally done and so I went and sanitized and washed the floors and walls. I mean I know I needed to mop but really??? That's just excessive ;) Fast Forward to today... Staple removal day... So Ivan drops me off at 3 and decided to stay in the car with Anton because he DID NOT want to be in the room... Ok so I'm braving this alone... Go in she takes them out with out hardly any pain!! She steri strips me and away I go. I'm thinking easy as pie... Ha! So we go back to base and are pulling up to get our mail when I look down and have bled thru my pants, tank top and t-shirt... Call the doc while Ivan goes to get the mail and they say come back in... Go back get cleaned up, more steri strips and some gauze and am told that my belly button opening is probably going to want to drain so to just not take a shower and keep putting gauze on it for about a day and half so that it will scab itself :o I was a tiny bit confused as the last 7 days with staples I thought it was healing and supposed to be forming those scab things, I guess not?? So we went and bought some gauze, and some big bandiads to keep it clean and let it leak :) ha ha I swear things are never just simple... But what are you going to do? It is what it is!! ( oh and I totally just sneezed while waiting this and pretty sure there's no more scab there even if there was to begin with!) On to a better and funny note Anton cracked me up and hurt my feelings a tiny bit yesterday... I was singing in the car while we were driving to his friends house and he says " mommy stop stop... Your hurting my ears and cars ears... Mommy say sorry to Anton and car" so I say sorry to Anton and he then says " now say your sorry to car" so I say sorry car. And then Anton says " yeah you hurted cars ears and my ears" ...... Aww... All my lovely husband has to say about the whole thing is that's my boy, Im proud of you Anton... Maybe I need singing lessons what do you think?

Every little thing is gonna be alright

So went to the dr today and got all the hoopla and questions answered. Unfourtanly for me my periods will stay the same... Which I think is super cruel... If you only have one tube you should only have to have one cycle every other month! The dr said it will be slightly harder for us to get preggers, and have a slightly higher chance of having another ectopic pregnancy but that the left tube looked pretty good so he doesn't really expect it to happen. When he was in the underworld he did notice that both ovaries had some "cystic changes" where there were sacs of cystic fluid on them but they didn't look too worrisome and at our 8 week check they are going to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok... And then on Friday I get to go have the staples removed!! So the last order of my business is going to talk to the gym I just paid on Thursday ( yes the day before I went into surgery) for a month membership to see if they could hold the membership until I'm able to start working out again! I hope so it's an all women's gym so they have to understand right? I don't have to take anymore antibiotics yay! And I think I'm just going to stop taking the pain pills too, I can live with a little bit of pain... But you can bet your booty that I'll be taking a pain pill on Friday when they remove my staples... Everyone keep your fingers crossed that ivan or I don't pass out when they remove my staples!! My mom will tell you that the last time they removed staples from me they had to lay me down and bring me some juice! And poor Ivan faints at the sight of a needle so it's not looking too good for us on Friday :)

A memorial weekend I won't ever forget!

So it all started on Thursday, with some discomfort lower abdomen pain... Nothing to serious as I went to Zumba class and was able to keep up :) then Friday morning we woke up and went for a bike ride and brught Anton home for a nap, while he was napping it started to feel like I was having slight contractions, so I thought I might be preggo. Thought that since I started working out about two weeks ago that I was going to have to rest a little bit and then everything would go back to normal... So I called a nurse device line, they suggested that I go to a walk in clinic just to make sure. So Friday around 2 ish I went to the walk in clinic. Around 230 after taking a pee test I found out I was pregnant!! I called Ivan and told him yay!! They wanted me to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound and a blood test to determine how far along I was... So I walked across the street to the hospital (because there was no way Anton was going to behave thru all these appointments :) so I go and have the blood test go and wait for the ultrasound.... And drink a lot of water because you have to have a full bladder for this type of u/s ... Then they have an emergency u/s to do before me.... I was ready to explode!! I wanted to pee so bad!! Ha ha ha, finally they got me back there and she did the outer one first so I could pee :) awwww... Now she had to do the inter vaginal one so we were joking and laughing then she kind of went silent and had a serious face, she said she was finished with the right side and went to the left side, finished with the left now and said she wanted to get a few more shots of the right side... Alarm bell number 1 she wanted MORE pics.... So when she was finally done I called Ivan to come pick me up because the dr at the immediate care said after the u/s I could go home... However the tech asked me to stay in radiology so that the Dr could call me right away... Alarm bell número 2.... So I told Ivan that I actually had to wait here and I'd call him as soon as I knew. The immediate care Dr called me and said that. Had an ectopic tubal pregnancy in my right Fallopian tube and needed emergency surgery because it looked like there was blood surrounding the fertilized egg which worries them because it means that it's close to rupturing... So I walk two doors down into the emergency room and boom, met by a nurse they get me hooked up have me where the gown, take a whole bunch f blood and then finally Ivan and Anton show up to see me :) looks like Anton and daddy were going to have a sleep over with each other!! And mommy was going to spend the night at the hospital. The On call OB came in and explained what was going to happen, they were going to make three small holes one in my belly button, one in the mid right and then one right above my c-section scar on the right side. Then they were going in to remove my right tube check my ovaries and left tube to make sure everything else looked good and that as that. So of course the first thing I asked was you HAVE to remove the tube?? And the answer was OF COURSE. Well what are the chances of us being able to get pregnant again? Slightly less but not impossible. What are the chances of me having anther ectopic pregnancy in the left tube? Chances are increased because I've already had one. Fast forward... Recovery room.... Everything went well I can pee which seems to be the only thing anyone is worried about :) I'm really sleepy, and it almost felt like a vacation if it weren't for the pesky nurse who had to still give me a rhogam shot, and come and take my blood pressure and tempature all the time :) so now I'm waiting to talk to the Dr who actually performed the surgery and they tell me that I have to make an appointment with his office for Wednesday. So the only thing I'm even upset about is that I have no idea what went down... I know I'm walking around with only one Fallopian tube, but I have a billion other questions like.... Since I don't have afillopian tube does the egg that gets released just float around in my body since I don't have the tube? Do I only get my period now once every other month? That might be kinda cool!? Anyway so I will wait u til tomorrow and see whats going on with my body... Still not sure how I "feel" about any of this... Ive done my best to not think too hard on the subject, but maybe after tomorrow I'll feel differently?? If I remember I will try and blog about the appointment... But if my previous trend continues you might have to wait 6 months to hear from me :)

It's time to start again!

Aww... it's been too long way too long... Anton is almost 2 1/2 years old and WILD and CRAZY but also super fun and loving. He has an imagination to boot!! He loves nothing more than going outside to run and play and jump!! For Christmas we got him an indoor trampoline and it's getting used about a bajillion times a day!!! I love it, a few of his favorite games to role play with us are, iron man, robot, chasing game and all around wrestling and fighting :) He is all boy this one!! Except when Aunt Bridgette puts him in Gretals dress or when he sees that Gretal gets to wear pretties in her hair and he wants one too!! I can't say no because he looks so dang cute in them and I love it!!! We have been spending the holidays with family which has been such a fun blessing and a little crazy! My mom always has me going somewhere to a blessing, a missionary send off, visiting grandparents... I really can't complain though I love being able to see all of my extended family and am so excited that in April we'll be moving to North Carolina so we'll at least be stateside and the flights will at least be a little shorter :) I guess I'll have to keep a look out for some cheap airline tickets!! I think Ivan is sad to leave his 2nd motherland... and I'm super sad too... I know we'll have to try to go back someday because we have loved living there so much and getting to enjoy and experience the culture! Ivan does love to experience new things and really likes to hunt and fish and from what we hear he can do both in North Carolina... so it looks like our freezer and our walls will be full!! Well now it's time to give 2, 2 year olds a bath... look out this is going to be crazy :)

Trying something...

The biggest Regret...

I've put off writing this for SOOOOOO long, and it seems kinda silly that this should be my first post back in a LONG time but, I feel that tonight it is right. I know a few of you are going to support me in this post, a few are going think I'm freaking weird, a few more are going to think I should not be discussing such things in a public forum, some might take it like I'm judging them... but mostly this is not for anyone but me, and my soul, and maybe for Anton when he's older.

I chose to circumcise my son, not knowing anything about foreskin and the functions of it and not even thinking to research this procedure I choose to cut off a piece of my sons organ. The main reason so he didn't get made fun of in the locker room, and because this is what we do in America. I didn't know then that this would turn out to be the single most regret of my life.

When Anton was two weeks old Ivan and I took him to the clinic on base to have him circumcised, we filled out the paperwork and signed the consent forms, which said things like your baby might not want to eat after, might be fussy not sleep well, have some bleeding. And like any person who trusts Dr. explicitly I just didn't think, it was almost like reading your prescription medicine bottle, it can cause dry mouth, anal discharge, loss of vision etc. you just pop the pill in your mouth thinking that your Dr prescribed these for you so their safe. You don't question you just keep your head down and do what you *thought was for the best. We took Anton back to the room where they showed us the board that they strap him down arms and legs, spread eagle of course. Talk a little about the procedure then explain that you should leave the building for 30 min while they circumcise your baby because they are so loud that the parents can hear them in the waiting room and it tends to "upset" the parents. So we hand Anton over to the Dr, walk out and take a walk. While Ivan and I were walking I got the worst sinking feeling in my stomach, I tell Ivan I feel so weird not having Anton in my arms, I feel like he's in danger and I need to go and get him. Ivan tells me everything is ok, and we start to walk back. We come into the waiting room, and he's brought out to us with a pacifier in his mouth, bundled in a blanket. They hand him to me and immediately he starts screaming. I try to soothe him, nothing works, I hand him to Ivan and he quiets down. We are asked to wait for about 10-15 min in the waiting room so that a nurse can check his wound to make sure he's not bleeding too much and to go over how to care for the wound. About every 5 min now Anton bursts into screaming fits... not crying fits mind you SCREAMING fits. He refuses to nurse. They call us back open the diaper, it is red swollen bleeding he's crying again because he's laying down again spread eagle and having ointment put on. We take him home and every diaper change is pain and torture, his open wound is being touched by urine and feces, we try to be as gentle as possible, screams of pain wail out of him and not just at diaper changes. He doesn't want to nurse, or be held by me, he's ok with Ivan but still cried a lot. We both decided that we never want to ever do this again, if we have another boy. Of course the wound "healed" eventually like most wounds do. About six months later I read an article on circumcision, there were quite a number of things that HIT me.

Number one it was a NON MEDICAL procedure... it was essentially COSMETIC surgery. When I read this, my heart sunk... I basically put my child thru hell during the first weeks of his new life here on earth when he was the most dependent and defenseless, he counted on me to protect him and keep him safe from any kind of harm and I did the opposite I sought this COSMETIC surgery, the surgery that has NO medical benefits.

When I saw a picture of a baby in shock from having a circumcision I knew with out a shadow of a doubt that this happened to my son, he went in a calm and happy baby, and came out a baby who had fits of terrorizing screams, a baby who was dependent on a pacifier. He had that same glassy look when I first held him that I recognized in the picture of the baby in shock. Now as a toddler, anytime Anton gets hurt or feels abandoned he holds his breath until he literally convulses and passes out. I thought he had grown out of it as he hadn't done it in a while, but when he had a seizure and had to be taken to the ER and went thru the hole being poked and prodded, I think it set off an alarm in him. Because since we've come home he now passes out at least 2-3 times a week. Which we had it down to maybe once every two weeks. I know this behavior stems from his circumcision where he passed out due to the tremendous pain of having one of the most sensitive body parts literally RIPPED from him. And this is something I CHOSE for him.

There is an ACTUAL purpose for the foreskin!!! It is an amazing and miraculous purpose, it does exactly what God designed it for. Every male mammal was born with a foreskin, it's not useless, it's also not just a piece of skin the clip off. (which is what I thought, I compared it in my head to a skin tag being removed by scissors so NOT the case) The foreskin is FUSED to the glans (head) of the penis, like your finger nail is fused to your finger, in order to remove the foreskin you literally have to RIP it from the glans. Rip it, those words just play over and over in my head... I didn't know at the time that the foreskin is fused to keep out all debris, and to help PREVENT children from getting UTI's and infections as long as the skin is not forcibly retracted ( this is why there is SO much mis information out there, boys were being forcibly retracted, the foreskin pulled back and being ripped from the glans before it naturally retracted which causes a lot of problems such as UTI's and um PAIN!!) In fact little girls are way more likely to get a UTI than an intact boy. But we just treat them with antibiotics. There are A LOT more functions of the foreskin, I encourage you to look them up!! This is just the one that struck me the most!!!

There were warning signs that I just didn't see until 6 months later when I had clarity... I had a friend and we were both having boys and she said she was leaving her son intact. Why didn't I ask why? Why didn't I ask my German pediatrician why they didn't circumcise in Europe? Why would I even think it's ok to take a newborn who likes to be bundled and swaddled and held and strap him down spread eagle? Right there that is the most unnatural thing for a baby who has just spent 10 months warm and cozy inside his mommy, and now his arms and legs are being strapped down? When a consent form says it's normal for a baby, a 2 week old baby mind you, to not want to eat you have to ask yourself WHY?? Why is this normal, what is making a baby who usually wants to eat every 30 min or so, not want to eat at all?? Why is it ok for a baby to have problems sleeping after the procedure? Why did I not wonder why they had given my son a pacifier, how much pain was he in that they decided to stick something in his mouth to suck on to help alleviate it and WHY WHY WHY is this OK. Why did I not question any of those things? Why did I not listen to that voice that was telling me that my baby was NOT OK? Why didn't I listen to my motherly instinct? I had little nudges here and there, small hints left for me to ask why, and find the answers BEFORE anything ever happened but I failed to heed those little nudges and hear those little murmurings of motherly love that told me my baby was being harmed. WHY?? Why did I take this perfect little human, someone whom God entrusted with me to protect and love and cherish ALWAYS. God gave him to me perfect, in his image and I forever altered him. I'm sorry, so so so sorry.

A lot of people won't ever understand where I'm coming from, and I honestly hope they NEVER have to understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes I very selfishly wish I could go back to those first 6 months when I didn't realize what horror I inflicted upon my perfect little guy, but I know that I can't. I think about this at least every day. Yes I can laugh and go on play dates, but when I hear of a friend or family member that is having a boy all I can think about is helping or saving that boy, because I didn't protect my son and I feel like I have to atone for that horrible mistake I freely choose to make, for another human being. A choice I had no right to make. Nothing anything anybody says will make it go away or hurt less, I fear the day that I have to sit Anton down and tell him what we choose to do to him, and the frivolous reason why. All I can hope is that he realizes that I do love him and I am more truly sorry than I have ever been of anything in my entire life, and that I hope one day he will forgive me. I can't be silent, I'm not trying to step on anyone I'm not trying to stick my nose in, I'm just trying to atone for the mistake that keeps me up at night and wakes me up with bad dreams. I would feel sick if someone I know ever went through this, and I had a chance to say or share with them and I didn't because of fear, fear of not being liked or loved or thought of as a good patient, the same fear that lead me to not question WHY and that ultimately lead me to circumcise my son.

So I hope this is coherent as it is very late for me anyway. I just couldn't sleep until I wrote some of this down... I know there will be more over the next few years as I sort thru my feelings and as I purge other feelings and thoughts, just a warning I guess, that this isn't the last post.

Please if your having a boy, please please do your research... a great website is DrMomma.org

Amendment... This is Uncle Pero :)